Abuse

 Have you ever been sick and tired of being sick and tired? I know I have more than once. When you just have had enough, all things tend to go through your head. Sometimes it is the right thing to do and sometimes it is the wrong thing to do. We have all been there, right?

I for one have been through so much stuff since a really young age. I have gone through abuse in every form. It started when I was around 12 yrs old and it has migrated up until today.

Abuse comes in many different forms; mental, physical, sexual, verbal, and emotional. It is all abuse. Abuse can't be forgotten no matter your age or which form of abuse you have been through. I have literally been through it all. I have thought about harming myself and/or others. Sometimes I act on it and sometimes I think it through, by asking myself about the consequences or how it would make others feel.

When you become a parent, you tend to ask yourself more questions than get the answers. You pride yourself on making sure that your child(ren) never has to go through the same thing(s) that you have. My children are my number one priority, they are the reason that I haven't acted on a bunch of stuff in my lifetime.

I have been through more marriages than a person should at my age. I got married right after I turned 18 yrs old. Exactly 16 days after my 18th birthday. I did it because I thought I was in love. I got pregnant (found out a month after I got married) and the mental and physical abuse started. When I had my baby, I thought, yes, it will all stop. It did slack up, but then bam, I got pregnant again, there was no getting away then. I endured everything so that my kids wouldn't be done the same way. 

I finally got a job, moved into my own place, got a divorce, and bam, jumped right back into another relationship, he said in and out of jail. We got married and out of 2 years, we were physically together for about 6 months. I felt awful. I felt like I deserved his cheating and him acting like I was no good. I endured it because I craved attention when I wasn't working or when my kids went to their grandparent's house. He just wouldn't have it, he wanted to always run the roads or do illegal things to get himself into more trouble. I had had enough. He went to prison and I divorced him. 

Then a year later, I met another guy, I was working 2 jobs, I was living in my own place, I had my kids when I wasn't working, because I didn't want my kids to want for anything that I did when growing up. This guy I thought, wow, he treats me like a person and adores my kids, he has kids he takes care of. After a year of being married, the abuse started, yelling turned into trying to break my arm, to sexual abuse, and into cheating, he didn't want to work because I was. Well, he couldn't keep his mouth shut and we ended up getting kicked out of the place I had already lived at for several years. I ended up getting hurt, and then he got mad at me because of it and he actually had to get out and get a job.

We ended up moving in with one of my friends in a whole nother city. I barely knew anyone. Well, once again he couldn't keep his mouth shut or his pants closed and my friend kicked us out because she wasn't going to put up with the way he was treating me and how he would treat her. She had children she had to protect too. Well, I finally found us a place and all crap hit the fan.

Anyways, what I am trying to get at, is it doesn't matter what type of abuse it is, abuse is abuse and it tends to be a vicious cycle if you let it be. Sometimes you have to try and break that cycle yourself. Get to know someone. No matter how much you love someone, if they treat you like crap in any form, then it is time to move on. Sure, it will be hard as hell and you think you won't ever find someone better, but you are wrong. Don't look for someone, be by yourself, work on you, work for what you want out of life. When you come across that person that will be with you through thick and thin and not treat you like crap, you will instantly know.

Yes being by yourself sucks. Yes, your heart will be broken and you don't think that you can survive without that person, but take it from me, you can! You deserve better! Think of what you want out of life besides the relationship aspect and you go for it! Don't settle! You are perfect the way you are and you got this!! You can do it!!

Tired of Back Pain

I am so tired of all of my back problems. I know a lot has been blogged about. I'm sick of hurting. I have had 3 back surgeries and finally got a new neurosurgeon. I've been waiting on trying to get an appointment with mine, but she couldn't get me in until March.

Update: I fell at 3:40 this morning. I hurt the leg I can feel and jarred my back even more. I've been in constant tears since then. I guess it's a good thing my appointment is with the neurosurgeon today. Hopefully I can get the surgery where the nerve at L5-S1 will be relieved so I can feel my left leg. I hate this and I am tired of crying from the pain and numbness and all the almost falls and the actual falls. I need thoughts, prayers, love and light. The drive is 4hrs round trip. I just hope I can manage to drive it.

November 19,2021

I have forgotten how it felt to be stared at or having an evil look thrown my way. Teach your kids and yourselves not to stare when someone has a walker or walks with a gimp. I have 2 bulging discs and a pinched nerve and I can't walk right bc my left leg is numb. I wanted to cry several times just going in the grocery store bc of the looks I was getting. I got nerve damage back in August of 2010 where I ended up having my first back surgery. 

Now over 11 yrs later I have to have a 4th one to relieve the nerve that's being pinched. I can't find a neurosurgeon and I need one asap. I can deal with the pain but I can't deal with the looks I have been receiving. I need prayers, love, and light. It's a struggle for me to get from point A to point B. I try to get myself mentally prepared knowing that any given moment my right leg can go numb and I be wheelchair bound again. I am almost at a breakdown mentally.

It pains me to see how far I had come and then it is all failing. I had to endure 10 months of physical therapy to relearn to walk. I had to relearn to drive. I got a wonderful job, that I absolutely love, then bam, pain, er trip, CT scan, another pinched nerve, 2 bulging discs, can't work. Can't get unemployment. Can't get the doctor to fill out my FMLA paperwork on time. I can't find a neurosurgeon that can get me seen and fixed up asap. Why me? What did I do to be broken the way that I am. Had funds for getting married at the beginning of December and now no funds, bc I can't work and make money. I just don't know how much more I can take.

Beautiful

I can literally say that I love my job! I see all kinds of beautiful things. This is an old, possibly house/gas station. I love seeing things like this.

Update On Me

I am sorry to everyone for not posting or updating anyone. I have lived at my current address since December of 2017. Halloween 🎃☠️💀 is coming up fast.👻 I can't wait! I believe I have found the love of my life. I can say he made me believe of love at first sight.

I don't know what else to say right now. Hope you all have a wonderful day!

Order Of Protection

You know something that pisses me off is when someone has an order of protection against someone and they aren't supposed to contact that person at all or have anyone to contact them. This person decides that they are gonna do a public post on facebook to the person(s) that they aren't supposed to talk to. How stupid can you get? That is still the same as contact the said person(s). It is still a violation of the order whether you think that it is or not. That is ok. It has been taken a picture of and documented because of this, that way when it comes to court date that is just one more thing against you. Keep that in mind, don't be freaking stupid like you are being. Yes I am confronting this person and they know who they are, but the good thing about this post is that I don't have to name any names due to the fact that they know exactly who they are. To this person we knew you were stupid, and now you just look more stupid. Smh.

Jobs?

What do you consider the perfect job? I have been looking at legit jobs on the internet that you can do from home. I applied to a job and had an interview today, but the stupid chat kicked me out and they wouldn't let me back in, so I hope that they let me retry it in a few days. I look at, at home jobs as being hard, but you can be your own boss. That is what I need due to the fact that I am bi polar and have mood swings. Being around a lot of people really gets to me. I hate going in anywhere that has tons of people. I also hope that I get this one part time job that I applied for, what is it you ask, well we will have to wait and see if I get it before I go and jinx myself. Jobs are hard to come by anymore, whether it be in the home, driving, or working in actual work setting. A lot of kids now a days think that jobs are so easy to get and that they don't have to do much work to get paid. Unless there is a job out there that I don't know about, it doesn't work that way.

I always ask my kids what do they want to be when they grow up, I have gotten many different responses as they have gotten older. 2 of my boys want high paying jobs and there is nothing wrong with that, they know that they have to apply themselves and make good grades unless they want to work at McDonalds or some other fast food restaurant. Sure fast food restaurants are good for beginners, but not a career. What job were you wanting when you were growing up? Did you achieve at being what you wanted to be? What is your ideal job? I always wanted to be a veterinarian, the year I was supposed to intern I ended up breaking my ankle so that threw me out of the running. I have still thought about going back to college to be a vet, but I am to old and to worn out to accomplish that goal. For now, I will just watch vet shows and animal cops shows. Hope you all have a great day!! Until next time!!